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Quotes from Books and Essays
Three Men In a Boat by Jerome K. Jerome
But who wants to be foretold the weather? It is bad enough when it comes,
without our having the misery of knowing about it beforehand.
Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole
(Myrna was decidedly masochistic. She was only happy when a police dog
was sinking its fangs into her black leotards, or when she was being
dragged feet first down stone steps from a Senate hearing.)
Lucky Jim by Kingsley Amis
Dixon looked out of the window at the fields wheeling past, bright green
after a wet April. It wasn’t the double-exposure effect of the last
minute’s talk that had dumbfounded him, for such incidents formed the
staple material of Welch colloquies; it was the prospect of reciting the
title of the article he’d written. It was a perfect title, in that it
crystallized the article’s niggling mindlessness, its funeral parade of
yawn-enforcing facts, the pseudo-light it shed on non-problems. Dixon
had read, or begun to read, dozens like it, but his own seemed worse
than most in its air of being convinced of its own usefulness and
significance. ‘In considering this strangely neglected topic,’ it began.
This what neglected topic? this strangely neglected what? His thinking
all this without having defiled and set fire to the typescript only made
him appear to himself as more of a hypocrite and fool. ‘Let’s see,’
he echoed Welch in a pretended effort of memory: ‘oh yes; The Economic
Influence of Developments in Shipbuilding Techniques, 1450-1485.’
IMPORTANT! READ THIS FIRST! by Dave Barry
Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give
you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtedly
will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver.
The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the electrical
industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in a continuing effort to prevent
consumers from causing hazardous electrical current to flow through their
appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug, then the Plug Where One Prong
is Bigger Than the Other. Your device is equipped with the revolutionary new
Plug Whose Prongs Consist of Six Small Religious Figurines Made of Chocolate.
Do not try to plug it in!